Hunter Ray Maynard. Born via induction 12/19/18 at 11:09 AM weighing 7 pounds, 11 ounces and 21.5 inches long. Almost two pounds heavier than his bigger brother was! Just like that, he completed our little family.
2 under 2 is a SCARY ass thought. Nothing scared me more than thinking of how the HELL am I going to take care of two small children at the same time. Jaxon still VERY much needs me. For starters he's still in his crib. (No, I do not plan on taking him out anytime soon. He does just fine in his crib and I'm not trying to fix something that's not broken.) He still needs to be put in his highchair for meals, he still needs to be watched like a HAWK, he's still in diapers, AND he's not fully conversational yet (we are almost there though). So the thought of taking care of him AND a newborn who I have to nurse every 2 to 3 hours was and STILL is a terrifying.
For starters, let me just say mentally I am WAY more relaxed than I was when I first had Jaxon. I definitely struggled with my new role as a mother and post partum depression. I've never been one to hide that. I struggled a lot. This time, I am actually able to enjoy (? not sure if I really want to use the word enjoy because the newborn stage kind of sucks lol.) the newborn stage....maybe appreciate it is a better way of describing it. I am not sure if it's because I kind of know what I'm doing this time, or if it's because I am busier this time with my first born, or maybe it's because I feel great after just having Hunter as opposed to how much pain I was after having Jaxon. Perhaps it's all of the above. I am just thankful to not having that dark cloud looming over me.
Because I am feeling better this time around, I find myself talking to Hunter. I never talked to Jaxon as a newborn. I also find myself really trying to get breastfeeding down, another thing I didn't care to do much the first time. And now.....(here comes the dark cloud)....because I am appreciating all these things and because I am interacting with Hunter so much it makes me sad to think how I couldn't do this for Jaxon. *Cue the tears* This is what I have been struggling with. The serious mom guilt. It doesn't help that I am only one person and when I'm nursing Hunter and Jaxon gets hurt and wants me to kiss his boo boo that I can't because my hands are full. When Gil is at work and I am alone with the boys, I can't help but cry because of how guilty I feel for not enjoying my time with my Jaxon and not being able to give him all my attention now. I think because of this, even though I am feeling better, I am having a hard time bonding with Hunter and letting my heart REALLY expand. Don't read that the wrong way. Of COURSE I love Hunter and I am obsessed with him. But it's similar to how I felt with Jaxon in the way that I did not feel that connection at first. It's happening again but in a very different way.
Just like I had to learn to own motherhood... I now have to learn how to be a mother of two. I now have to learn how to balance my two boys, my husband, and myself. I have to learn to accept that I cannot change how I was with Jaxon as a newborn. The best the I can do is know that I did the BEST that I could with Jaxon, despite that dark cloud that loomed over my heard in those early weeks. And now I have to be and do the BEST I can for Hunter in these early days. This is my truth.
As the days go by, it gets a little easier day by day as we build some sort of routine. Watching Jaxon interact with his new little brother makes my heart EXPLODE. I CANNOT wait until Hunter is able to start interacting back. Those moments make everything SO worth it! I can't wait to see what the future holds <3.
Thanks for reading!
love,
Alexi xo
